Chanda.

Tuesday afternoon my Aunt Chanda passed away.

She had stage four melanoma

(skin cancer)

and had been living with that diagnosis for roughly 4 years.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that her and I were close,

That I think she was incredible,

and that I'll have to figure out life without a best friend.

While I didn't hate her,

nor ever wish death upon her,

her passing wasn't a blow to my system like losing my moms was.

I guess thats "normal"

right?

My mom was my mom.

was.

I hate that word.

Back to the point.

if there is one.

I went up to my grandparents on tuesday,

after I recieved the text that she had passed,

I walked in and her body was still in bed.

I looked at her,

and while I was sad,

I was okay.

I looked over at my grandma,

and my heart began to ache for her.

I began thinking about how this was her second daughter that she was going to burry.

Someone

(my grandma)

who has spent her life trying to be nothing but good and righteous,

has experienced a lot of heart ache.

I continued to scan the room,

and that's when I saw my little cousin

Hazen.

The strong silent type.

He's not someone who's going to sob in front of anyone,

and he'll down play every painful emotion he experiences.

I lost it the second I saw him.

He's the same age I was when I lost my mom,

and his high school sweetheart just left,

like mine did.

His whole world is changing.

Just like mine did.

After I stopped crying over Hazen,

my other cousin walked in.

Corbin.

The sweaty teenage male version of me at his age.

My heart shattered.

His relationship with his mom,

is what mine was with mine at his age.

 His relationship wasn't great,

and while finger can be pointed either,

He's a teenager,

who never got a healing relationship with his mom.

So again,

I'm not going to sit here and try to gain a sympathy vote,

by claiming I lost someone near and dear to me,

or someone I admired and looked up to.

But my cousins...

... Their faces simply stop my heart...

because besides the fact that I love both of them dearly,

I know how this feels.

Losing your mom... sucks.

no matter what the state of your relationship.

So please,

if you're still reading this,

and your eye has teared,

or your heart has ached,

don't pray for me,

pray for my cousins.

because, speaking from experience, it's a long next few years.

I love you Hazer.

Love you Corbina.