I don't really have... a "thing"
I don't have a hobby or a talent or an interest that "defines" me.
This has always bothered me.
I mean... I don't even just need one thing and one thing only... I wouldn't mind having a few "things"
I just have always really hated the idea of people describing me
"yeah this girl Hillary... she uh... has blonde hair (most of the time)... and... uh...
she sometimes dances
sometimes does yoga
sometimes listens to music
(nothing the same that would really warrant defining her "style" of music)
sometimes follows an odd assortment of comedians
she journals... sometimes
goes to church (enough???)
She's into eastern stuff... but like the western style eastern stuff.
She likes great food... but eats a lot of junk food...
(Sometimes she doesn't eat cause it's more of a social thing for her)
(So if you think about it... she doesn't necessarily "love" food... or she'd do it more on her own)
I mean she doesn't really do anything... but she exists... you should meet her(?)
(I mean you don't have to cause there's no real reason to)"
...I don't do anything enough...
... but I do quite a bit a little bit...
Before my mother died she described my life to her friends as:
"full time work
full time church
full time school
and
full time social"
(FACT: multiple people confirmed this story at her funeral)
Sometimes I feel guilty now;
thinking about her chillin' with her angel friends
"yeah... my daughter works... and uh... sleeps.... a lot"
Then she quickly changes the subject to her busy son (who just got a promotion)
Her parents who continue to save the world
Her granddaughter who is about to start kindergarten
and Her siblings whose lives have changed so dramatically
(alright that section hit a little too close to home... no more talk about dead moms and their looming disappointment)
I want a "thing"
I need a "thing"
I need a thing like every yogi needs a favorite position;
like every movie lover needs a favorite movie;
like kids need a favorite game.
I need a thing like every comedian needs a note able hook;
like music needs notes;
Like a poet needs a notebook.
One of the last dance classes I took before my mother died was from a intermediate level dancer.
(This kind of bothered me at first because I was still pretty advanced at that time)
But it was a style that I was new to, so I could learn from anyone at that point.
She said something incredibly simple that has stuck with me;
she said (while doing the most simple foot rhythm possible)
"if you get lost, come back here. If you get lost, remember you're grounded by you're feet, and this is home base."
After she said that our feet never once stopped moving. Each combination grew on the previous, and if you got lost or confused... you returned to the simple rhythmic steps from the beginning... watched, studied, (kept moving your feet) and eventually joined back in.
I need a thing because I need a home base. I need a "place" to go, to watch, to study, to keep moving and eventually join back in.
(Moms are supposed to be home base.)
