As you know,
and,
My mother passed away a few years prior.
My aunt passing away has been strange for me,
in the sense that
it's amazing how much it's made me miss my mom.
Like I just lost her.
again.
(which I find to be incredibly unfair.
I mean...
I already lost her.
I did these tears.
I did these stomach aches.
I did these panic attacks.
I "shouldn't" have to do them again right?
O Well I guess.
Cause I'm doing it all again)
Anyway.
Back to the point.
At my aunts funeral last month,
Just after the service,
I was holding my little cousin
Ellie
(aka, "L", "Ell-Bell", and my personal favorite "Bella")
We walked outside
following behind the casket.
As they were putting the casket in the hearse,
Bella looked at me and said
"were are they taking her?"
I forced a smile and said
"to Springville. We're going to go down there too"
She nodded knowingly and said
"Oh. That's where Angela is."
Before I had a chance to confirm,
she looked right in my eyes and said
"That's your mom huh?"
I fought back tears and nodded.
Then she laid her head on my shoulder and calmly said
"We both have angel mommies"
I held her a little tighter and felt my heart drop.
Now, before this
The whole week I spent crying whenever I looked at my two other cousins,
Hazen and Corbin,
Because of the eery similarities there seemed to be
with my story,
and theirs.
I honestly hadn't put much heart into Bella yet.
I realize how awful that sounds.
Because she's so young.
But that's why I didn't.
Everyone else seemed to have that covered.
But.
As I held her tighter.
As my heart dropped.
As I thought about my "angel mommy"
I realized,
Ellie and I and the only granddaughters.
and
we. are. motherless. daughters.
While before this moment,
I thought that my experience of losing my mom
would never correlate to Ellie's,
I've spent the last few days looking at pictures
from both funerals
And
Well
Whether you're 4,
or 20,
Heartache looks the same.
How we actually feel
Forced smiles for the camera.
I've spent countless hours with Bella since the funeral.
We usually sing and dance
[correction, I sing and dance and she giggles]
or color.
But sometimes we cuddle,
and talk about our moms.
Again,
there are a million differences between our situation,
hers will never be mine,
and mine will never be hers.
but.
We have a connection that no one will understand but us.
Because we are the Ivie granddaughters
and we have angel mommies.
(that "walk on funky clouds")
