We get in the car, why did he still open my door? "We're drving slow" (pussycat dolls), then he starts to talk. I honestly... I can't tell you what he said. I've twisted it and distorted it in my head already. Is it because of HIM? Does he fear one day I'll be like "hey-la my boyfriends back"? (some 50's group.) Was he leaving because he (loves) me and couldn't take sharing me? Or is he gone because he could never (love) me? I heard both. Yet- I know for a fact- that word never touched his lips. Never crossed his mind. And somehow I still heard it. While I felt my heart stop and my stomache turn. I have no idea what he said. He kept talking and I kept thinking "I hate this part right here...." (pussycat dolls)
Taking a U-turn, he pulls over and stops. My eyes are over whelmed with tears and my throat has a lump. I look over and he's completely calm.... un-moved at it all... "you make breaking hearts look so easy" (anberlin). He says "i wish i knew what to say", and I wave my hand- what else is there to hear?
I'm so confused. What happened? Last night he sent me a text that said "i love holding you." What changed? Why doesn't he want me anymore? "it's here then it's gone- love doesn't last too long" (the weepies). Pulling up to my house "can I walk you to your door?" "why?" "because I still care about you." What? I thought you didn't? Thats why my heart is where my stomache is supposed to be and my stomache has turned upside and cramped to the size of a quarter- isn't that why I'm hurting? Cause you stopped caring? Wait..........is this because he cares too much? I wish I had any idea on what he said....
I thank him for his honesty, and for the time we shared. "amazing" was my adjective of choice. I ment all of it. Everything I ever said. Everything I never had the guts to say. I ment it. When I thanked him for his honesty... I ment it. "But you still hurt me" (william fitzsimmons).
I get out of the car and (run?) to my tree. Been a year since my heart broke- and a year since I've sat in that tree. I pull myself up to the top with the greatest of ease. I sit in my spot, lay my head back and hold my breath. His car turns on. The lights flip on. He has to be laughing, "she went and climbed a tree??" I try to continue to hold my breath but I begin sobbing. His car pulls away. I sit there waiting for another U-turn. A movie scene. He's going to do a U-turn, pull into my driveway too fast, jump out of his car (all while I'm speedily climbing down the tree), he's gonna pick me up and spin me around. Streams of tears will stain his face. He'll put me down and wipe my tears away like he does and hold me. He'll take back every word.
Alright.... it's past the point of a U-turn. "Snap back to reality" (eminem). I stair at his car... at his tail lights. "I know there's nothing stoping (him) now.... but I'd settle for a slow down......come on tap those breaks..... give me just one sign" (Dierks Bentley). But just like the U-turn, he never slowed down. He didn't second guess losing me. Was there anything to be lost to him?
Oddly enough- laying in bed it was a little "past one- I'm all alone and I need(ed him)." I sent him a text. "i know the answer to this question, I also know how pathedic this is, are you awake?" No answer. I lay there... looking.... staring at the clock. Each minute passes by and my eyes don't get any droopier. Just more tears.
Every break up song I've ever heard runs through my head, "all these songs about rain" and while I liked them before, there is more meaning to them. While this is great for my writing and choreographing career... everything about me, every part of me hurts. It was 2 1/2 months. Why does this hurt. I keep thinking... keep racking my brain. I'm thinking of everything from our first hang out, to the first date, to the first time he held me. The first time he saw me cry. More then anything "i've been reading all the letters that you wrote me and all the fairy tales you sold me,and all the pretty things you said. i cant stop thinking about the way that you control meand now you wish you'd never known meoh how i wish you'd come and hold me." (Tony Lucca)
It's not like this is a big deal... since he's been gone "(he's) only the best I've ever had" (vertical horizon). And "there is love left for me I will see" (william fitzsimmons). And ya know... "some things don't work out like they should. i'd bang my head against (his) wall... but it ain't no good" (Joe Purdy). I guess here is where I "take my heart and walk away" (parachute).
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