2012

I've always hated New Years Resolutions. I've always thought that it was a terrible way to start off a year... setting a goal that you only superficially care about... and yet you beat yourself up in mid march because you for whatever reason you didn't keep up to the unreasonable plan you had. But this year I caved. I decided I need to make some...goals? changes? resolutions? whatever. It doesn't matter what you call them, they all mean the same thing: in 2011 I wasn't someone I was ultra proud to be. Not because I was a bad person. But I was lacking.

Now I wish I could make some goals that were going to make me this great person, but no single goal can repair this big of a mess. So... baby steps right? Make small tweaks that will hopefully have a domino effect... (hope....)

So here they are. My goals. My Tweaks. My New Year Resolutions.

(In no order particular order)

Spend More Time With Levi Douglas.

Continue to Get to Know and Love Paul David.

Tape this Picture in a Notebook and Write About it. Continually Adding to the Journal.

Build Credit.

Pray on My Knees.

Do More Yoga

Study More Effectively.

Continue Attending the Temple... but More.

Schedule My Time Better. (This is going to be the biggest Domino effect)

Use My Passport for Traveling Purposes, or at Least the Ball Rolling for a Chance to.

Wish me Luck.

That Does Sound Fantastic... and Weird

Last night was the BEST night I've had in an incredibly long time.

It started out terribly.

Here's how my May 27th went.

Work isn't important to this story.

Came home from work around 3:45 pm.

Tried to take a nap.

The neighbor kids were SCREAMING.

Couldn't sleep.

Lied there annoyed beyond belief.

Finally got up.

Ate a half can of peas.

Got excited for summer...

... fresh peas from the garden.

Ended up at the gym.

Ran for an hour.

Then did weights for an hour.

All while watching 16 and Pregnant.

While walking home from the gym,

Made a phone call.

While on the phone, became overly

Frustrated... Annoyed... Scared... Fed-up... Over Whelmed.

Bailed on my original plans. Sorry.

Sat on my bed Looked in the mirror and stressed about life altering choices.

Then... I decided to have a me night. Not a night of self-indulgence.

But simply a night to calm down.

So me nights actually take alot thought

And... have very strict rules.

(Here is where my night becomes good)

Rule #1 You have to feel pretty. For me this is always Freshly washed face Freshly brushed teeth Well nourished hair and.... cute underwear.

In order to accomplish this... I spend an hour and a half soaking

Not just any kind of bath...

All Lights off.

These instead.

Rule #2 Music Must be Played.

Not just any music though. The Apple Ipod Shuffle option... Is not an option.

Create a playlist.

Fit the mood exactly.

Delicate: Damien Rice

Cold Water: Damien Rice

Accidental Babies: Damien Rice

Wild Horses: Natasha Bedingfield

Amie: Damien Rice

Miserable At Best: Mayday Parade

The Conversation: Motion City Soundtrack

Just Another Old Love Song: Joe Purdy

Pigeon: Jump Little Children

Grey Room: Damien Rice

Don't Call Me Peanut: Bayside

Lullaby: Billy Joel

Little Black Heart: The Early November

Fire and Rain: James Taylor

More Than We Could Chew: Joel Pack

Burn: Ray Lamontagne

Jolene: Ray Lamontagne

Rule #3 Surround with Favorites.

Used favorite shampoo.

Used favorite tooth paste.

Wore favorite sweat pants.

and... underwear

Went to favorite convenient store (7-Eleven)

bought favorite treats:

&

Rule #4 Sleep

Sleep Like you do at the end of yoga.

Breathing.

Eye lids s.l.o.w.l.y. getting heavier.

Rule #5 Think. Constantly.

This... Will be it's own post.

Later.

Smashing Bottles.

I had two guy friends in high school. They, were a few years older. I rarely saw them, but we were always there for each other. (I never see either of them any more, they're both serving time for robbing a bank, yeah, thats another story... a really good one too. Maybe later.) We got together, what felt like once a month for about a year. We did what we called "Smashing"... Let me explain the ritual.

These two boys drank alot... A LOT of Jones Soda. Which is in a glass bottle. They would save the bottles for "Smashing." How "Smashing" would begin, is one of us three, whoever needed it, would send the text "Smashing. 11pm" Or 12 am. We would meet at a park that is right off of 5300 south, sit on a bench and talk. We would share stories of what was going wrong in our lives, and we'd give each other the best advice we possibly could. At the end of our "pity party" each of us would grab a glass bottle, peel off the label, hold the bottle up high, make a statement, and throw the bottle down, smashing the bottle into as many pieces as possible. (We always cleaned up the glass I promise).

One time, one of my friends had just broken up with his girlfriend. She had told him that it didn't feel right. And with that... she walked away. His heart was broken... He didn't understand how he could feel so right about her, and how she could get to the point where she could walk away from him. (They later got married. So.... screw them for having a happy love story, because most don't turn out like that) That's besides the point. The point is... on the night that we were "smashing" in honor of his broken heart, my friend said something that has stuck with me ever since, and is ringing more true now then ever.

As he lifted up his arm, grasping the neck of the bottle, with tears in his eyes, a trembling bottom lip, and a shakey voice he simply says "I can Live without you......... I just don't want to." The bottle was hurled to the ground, and the sound of the bottle breaking into a thousand peices against the gravel matched the sound that each of our hearts have made at some point.

This story is relevant because for a few days I've caught myself listening to a song. It's called "Miserable at Best." It is performed by Mayday Parade. Fantastic song. Really, beautiful lyrics, calming, understanding melody. Beautiful. But it drives me NUTS that I keep listening to it. Because it's not it. It's not the right song.

In the chorus of the song it states simply "I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best." No. No. I won't be miserable at best. I am completely capable of walking away from this, moving on, finding someone else, and being incredibly happy. "I can live without you"

It drives me nuts when people ask "are you alright?" Yes. I am. With everything I've ever gone through, with everything I'm going through, yes, I'm alright. Not being alright would imply major needs are not being met. When actually, there are very few NEEDS in this world. I have always had a place to stay, even if it be my car. I've always had access to food and water. My NEEDS are met. I am Alright. And rarely does someone HONESTLY ***NEED*** another person. We just have strong desires towards people. .... I don't need you. I will be fine without you. I can live without you.

The question is- Am I ok? No. I can do plenty of things. I can do, overcome, and endure many things. I sometimes... just don't want to.

.... I want to understand like (insert appropriate name) does. I want the same feelings so I don't feel lost in this. I want to know something. Life is just simply theories, and how we apply them. All we can do is be really, very, absurdly sure of things. But your surity means nothing when anothers doesn't match.

I Can Live Without You............................................................... I Just Don't Want To.