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Saturday, February 8, 2014

Bullet.

Dating at my age in Utah is humbling.

Not humbling in the sense that I'm sure you're thinking though.
No, I don't have much shame for being single.
I know I'm "still so young."
I know there's "no rush"
It'll happen when it will happen and that's cool with me.

(look at me... accepting God's timing.)

It's humbling in the sense that most guys I date 
are late twenties,  early thirties
and
WITH
OUT
FAIL
 by the second or third, sometimes even the first date
 it gets brought up that recently, 
they "dodged a bullet"

This means that they were serious with a girl,
something happened,
and she went "crazy"

Whether he needed space and she broke down,
Or in a fight she acted "dramatic,"
Or worse,
she was damaged from her past and was still dealing with it.

but man.
did he dodge that bullet.
it was a narrow miss,
and she could have destroyed his life,
But luckily, he made it out!

I. hate. this. conversation.

This conversation is gut wrenching to me.
Not because I don't agree with the guy,
it probably wasn't a good relationship,
but I have been a bullet too. 

I listen to them describe these horrendous sences. 
  These acts of complete hysteria,
and I calmly listen and think,
"Have we dated? I've done all of that"

Ex boyfriends have "dodged" me. 
 I've cried in desperation as someone has needed space.
I've gotten mean in fights.
and we all know I'm still walking around with pain from my past.

I guess I shouldn't care,
and yet I cringe at the idea of my ex's talking about me like that.
I showed them that side of me
because at one point I felt safe with them,
I trusted them,
some I even loved. 

But them seeing me at my worst,
or simply my lowest,
now turns me into a thing that kills?

I struggle hearing guys talk about the 
"red flags"
of their past relationships.

Why are tears warning signs?
Why are disagreements scary?
How are you dealing with your past so well?

 Why is being what I am,
and feeling what I do,
why/how does that turn me into an object (or bullet) at the mercy of circumstance (or gun),
set, aimed, and only purpose is to destroy?

Please,
Better word choice gentlemen.

5 comments:

  1. I love this. And I've thought those same thoughts, "yeah, you may think she's crazy... but I've done those things too..." For the right guy your tears, emotions and past will not be red flags, they will be a part of you - the things that make you the person he loves.

    Thank you for being so honest in your writing on this blog. Helps us all realize we're not alone in many aspects of our lives. xoxo

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  2. I think some of these guys are still single because they see "bullets" where there aren't any...

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  3. I agree with Austin, tears, emotions, and ones past should not be red flags. Those are the things that make us human, and define us in our own way. If that is the only reason/ excuse they have, then (in my opinion) they are weak, and have alot of growing up to do... with that said....
    I'm at fault, I've used the term red flag before, but it was never for anything as natural and human as those.... but I have been the red flag too. Maybe that is why I understand more fully. Thank you for sharing this.

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  4. Why is this centered? Is it poem? It didn't rhyme, but maybe it's one of those poems that doesn't rhyme. I hope you go find love. Are you on tinder?

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  5. I hope you find love I meant to say. Not go find love

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