Pervert.

I was 13.

I was 13 when I was sitting talking to my ballet teacher,

we had a while before class was supposed to start,

and her and I had a great relationship.

We always talked

and could talk about everything.

Friends.

Family.

but most of all...

boys.

We began talking about the boy I liked,

and she (like usual) gushed about her husband. 

Some how it came up how interesting it seemed that different guys

were attracted to different girls.

I remember this like it just happened,

she turned to me and said 

"yeah! some guys are more into pretty faces

and thin peitte bodies,

like my husband.

Then you'll find guys who like curvier girls like you;

unfortunately they tend to be more perverted"

She then back tracked a lot,

making clear that I wasn't fat,

Just significantly bustier than her 

(yes, even at 13)

and that my hips were bigger, 

not in a bad way though.

(and that I too, had a pretty face)

But she never took back the fact that guys attracted to girls,

that look like me,

tend to be perverts. 

This idea has been uncomfortably reinforced with 

"compliments" like:

"You have the natural body of a porn star"

or

"people pay a lot of money to get some of the curves you have"

I usually reply with

"that's the most offensive compliment I've gotten in a while"

They then explain why they're right.

And I stand there...

taking in the idea

once again

That my body is only appealing to a highly sexual mind.

Now,

poor me right?

Who is going to listen to me complain about this,

and take me the least bit serious...

probably no one.

But keep in mind,

after that conversation with my ballet teacher..

I started wearing clothes that were way too big for me,

and usually "boy" clothes.

While I've gotten a bit better,

I'm still really uncomfortable in anything

"figure flattering"

I'm writing all this because I recently stumbled on an ex boyfriends facebook page.

Now, when I say ex... I mean... like years and years and years ago ex.

His profile picture is of him and his new bride;

who is small,

nearly flat chested,

small hips,

and a very pretty face.

When we dated,

 I knew he struggled with an addiction to porn intermittently.

But as I sat there looking at this wedding picture,

I "heard" myself thinking,

"he's finally kicked the addiction.

good for him."

When I said/thought that though,

I was basing that completely on the fact that his wife 

didn't have a body like mine.

He was no longer a pervert.

I've spent most of my life walking around

(like many girls)

Hating my body.

picking apart every possible flaw,

noticing weight that "needed" to be lost, 

and 

 despising each blemish that showed up.

Now imagine that,

while simultaneously cringing whenever someone expresses 

that they like my body at all,

because I automatically think,

"that's because you're a pervert, and only want to have sex"