Dating.

So- here I am,

one thirty ish in the morning,

sitting at work and thinking way too much.

It's weird thinking though,

I've struggled today with completing full thoughts,

and I've been making some really strange mistakes.

The kind that the second I do them I look up and say

(to whoever is around me)

"...I have no idea why I just did that..."

I feel like that's what I'll be saying the second I finish this post.

But.

Here I am.

And Here you are.

So let us continue.

So, you may or may not know,

but after a good hunk of time being out,

I'm back in the dating world.

and..

I can't figure out how I feel about it.

I mean, obviously things didn't work out according to plan,

and that makes me sad,

but even that aside,

I sit an I think about it,

and I'm not convinced I should ever get married.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my last relationship,

and on my relationship with my high school sweetheart,

and I've come to a really uncomfortable realization that...

holy cow, I'm a lot of crazy in one person.

I've sat with tears in my eyes talking about those two relationships

and said

I don't even blame them for leaving.

even that aside...

Is my idea of love and marriage just off?

completely and totally unrealistic?

I want to be in a love

(yes I worded that how I meant to)

where,

we're best friends,

who just happen to want to make out.

I want to be missed when I'm not around,

I want "him" to be excited/proud to be with me,

...I want a strong commitment and devotion...

I want an understood freedom.

I want to sit comfortably in silence,

I want to argue about uncomfortable things.

I want to hear

"I love you"

"I miss you"

"can I come over for a minute?"

and

"I love that you never wear anything but bball shorts."

(see... not realistic)

I read all these poems,

watch all these movies,

and listen to all these songs,

where the guy aches for the girl.

Where he feels like he's crumbling without her.

Where all of her flaws are there and apparent,

but the longing for her outways every bit of insanity.

But!

Here's the kicker...

I smother easily.

Yup.

Goodluck right?

I know.

I just want to know that the deep soulfull love that I day dream about exists.

I want to believe that it's out there.

But... I'm not sure I do.

I'm not sure that these songs, stories, and sonnets are nothing more

than beautiful wishes,

words expressing a painful hearts desire,

not a mirror of any actual reality.

I'm done with these thoughts for the night.

I hope you've found your love,

or that your hope for such is still alive.

p.s

to top it all off....

I recently found this gem.

I listen to it at least twice an hour.

This song is one of "those" songs.

(it's ruining my life.)