Angel Mommies

 As you know,

My aunt recently passed away,

 and,

My mother passed away a few years prior.

My aunt passing away has been strange for me,

in the sense that

 it's amazing how much it's made me miss my mom.

Like I just lost her.

again.

 (which I find to be incredibly unfair.

I mean...

I already lost her.

I did these tears.

I did these stomach aches.

I did these panic attacks.

I "shouldn't" have to do them again right?

O Well I guess.

Cause I'm doing it all again)

Anyway.

Back to the point.

At my aunts funeral last month,

Just after the service,

I was holding my little cousin

Ellie

(aka, "L", "Ell-Bell", and my personal favorite "Bella")

We walked outside

following behind the casket.

As they were putting the casket in the hearse,

Bella looked at me and said 

"were are they taking her?"

I forced a smile and said

"to Springville. We're going to go down there too"

 She nodded knowingly and said

"Oh. That's where Angela is."

Before I had a chance to confirm,

she looked right in my eyes and said 

"That's your mom huh?"

I fought back tears and nodded.

Then she laid her head on my shoulder and calmly said

"We both have angel mommies"

I held her a little tighter and felt my heart drop.

Now, before this

The whole week I spent crying whenever I looked at my two other cousins,

Hazen and Corbin,

Because of the eery similarities there seemed to be

with my story,

and theirs.

I honestly hadn't put much heart into Bella yet.

I realize how awful that sounds.

Because she's so young.

But that's why I didn't.

Everyone else seemed to have that covered.

But.

As I held her tighter.

As my heart dropped.

As I thought about my "angel mommy"

I realized,

Ellie and I and the only granddaughters.

and

we. are. motherless. daughters.

While before this moment, 

I thought that my experience of losing my mom

would never correlate to Ellie's,

I've spent the last few days looking at pictures

from both funerals

And

Well

Whether you're 4,

or 20,

Heartache looks the same.

 

 

How we actually feel

Forced smiles for the camera.

 

I've spent countless hours with Bella since the funeral.

We usually sing and dance

[correction, I sing and dance and she giggles]

or color.

But sometimes we cuddle,

and talk about our moms.

Again, 

there are a million differences between our situation,

hers will never be mine,

and mine will never be hers.

but.

We have a connection that no one will understand but us.

Because we are the Ivie granddaughters

and we have angel mommies.

(that "walk on funky clouds")