Bullet.

Dating at my age in Utah is humbling.

Not humbling in the sense that I'm sure you're thinking though.

No, I don't have much shame for being single.

I know I'm "still so young."

I know there's "no rush"

It'll happen when it will happen and that's cool with me.

(look at me... accepting God's timing.)

It's humbling in the sense that most guys I date 

are late twenties,  early thirties

and

WITH

OUT

FAIL

 by the second or third, sometimes even the first date

 it gets brought up that recently, 

they "dodged a bullet"

This means that they were serious with a girl,

something happened,

and she went "crazy"

Whether he needed space and she broke down,

Or in a fight she acted "dramatic,"

Or worse,

she was damaged from her past and was still dealing with it.

but man.

did he dodge that bullet.

it was a narrow miss,

and she could have destroyed his life,

But luckily, he made it out!

I. hate. this. conversation.

This conversation is gut wrenching to me.

Not because I don't agree with the guy,

it probably wasn't a good relationship,

but I have been a bullet too. 

I listen to them describe these horrendous sences. 

  These acts of complete hysteria,

and I calmly listen and think,

"Have we dated? I've done all of that"

Ex boyfriends have "dodged" me. 

 I've cried in desperation as someone has needed space.

I've gotten mean in fights.

and we all know I'm still walking around with pain from my past.

I guess I shouldn't care,

and yet I cringe at the idea of my ex's talking about me like that.

I showed them that side of me

because at one point I felt safe with them,

I trusted them,

some I even loved. 

But them seeing me at my worst,

or simply my lowest,

now turns me into a thing that kills?

I struggle hearing guys talk about the 

"red flags"

of their past relationships.

Why are tears warning signs?

Why are disagreements scary?

How are you dealing with your past so well?

 Why is being what I am,

and feeling what I do,

why/how does that turn me into an object (or bullet) at the mercy of circumstance (or gun),

set, aimed, and only purpose is to destroy?

Please,

Better word choice gentlemen.