Quiet.

I've always kind of been a mouthy-sassy-little-spit-fire, with strong opinions and a lot to say about EVERYTHING. I had the words to sooth a friend in distress, I had the words to win any argument, and the words to fill any silence.

Basically... talking has never been a problem for me.

.... Until now...

For the past (almost) 10 months I've had people describe me as contemplative, thoughtful, and even quiet. I've lost friends because quite honestly... we have nothing to talk about. And I'm losing "new" people because... we just have nothing to say. I feel like I'm losing my ability to communicate.

No... not even that. Because when I have something to say... I can still say it. I have just lost my desire to say things.

When I lost my Mom, so many people had so many things to say, and while every one's intentions were wonderful, sweet, and good, I finally realized how little words meant. How many words I heard a day and how hardly any of them brought any sort of comfort. How I got so tired of hearing how I should grieve, but how I couldn't get enough of the few who would listen to how I was/am grieving.

So I guess I've become a listener. Which feels weird and out of place for me. But that's how I've been acting, and how I feel most comfortable.

I've also gotten into soaking up the silence. . . (which I don't think most people like, and take as a bad sign for friendships, like we've run out of things to say). For example(s):

My Grandfather, as most of you know, is a huge part of my life and I love and adore him to pieces. My absolute FAVORITE thing to do lately is sit on the couch next to him, hold his hand, and lay my head on his shoulder. . . saying absolutely NOTHING. We can sit there for 10, 15, 25 minutes without saying a word. . . and I couldn't be happier. My Grandmother... same thing basically. I could just stand there and hug her for hours if she'd let me. I love wrapping my arms around her neck and resting my chin on my shoulder.

So I don't know what to do really. While I feel like I'm losing all these people because I have nothing to say, and I'm just not that interesting anymore, I'm quiet because I'm soaking up every second I can. Because words mean so little (outside of kind, heartfelt, thoughtful reminders of love). And lets be honest here... I don't have a whole lot on my mind anymore outside of about 5 things.

I guess... More to come on this later?

(I also don't talk, email, write, or blog as much as I used to because most thoughts feel so.... unfinished. resolution.... non-existent right now)