I'm not really a stranger to worrying about expectations.
worrying about whether my expectations are
too high,
or
too low.
I've been stuck on the idea of just simply expecting,
what is reasonable to be expected.
Example.
I was 16,
and absolutely in love with a college boy.
He was 19, lived in a dorm,
and I was up there as much as I could possibly find an excuse for.
I remember stressing to myself
to not expect ANYTHING.
I knew the likely hood of something happening with us was slim,
and if I kept my expectations low,
I wouldn't get my heart TOO broken
anyway.
while up at his dorm,
we'd often wander the halls,
and usually stop at the vending machine.
This vending machine sucked.
it was rare when it'd give you what you'd ordered.
If it gave you anything at all.
once, though,
we ordered a twix,
and guess what it gave us?
twix.
We threw our hands up in the air and cheered,
like we had just won a game
and the prize was a stuff animal the size of a small car.
But it wasn't.
The machine had just functioned the way it was supposed to.
We had gotten exactly what was reasonable to expect.
Yet we had been trained to be
disappointed, let down, or forgotten
and that that was our reality,
and to be grateful for whatever we got.
And that's how I feel like I'm living my life now.
I'm walking around,
putting my precious quarters, nickles, and dimes
into various relationships, items, and ideas
never. expecting. a. thing.
and cheering when I do get something.
this doesn't feel fair
this doesn't feel right
...this isn't how I thought it'd be...
...it's not what I expected...
